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Remembering Our Babies Event

When: October 15, 2017

Where: J.C Nichols Memorial Fountain

Time: 7 pm (registration begins at 6pm)

 

Visit our October 15 Event Page for more detaisl

 

Make a Gift

We do have our 501c3 designation.  Donations are tax deductible. Any gift given will be used strictly for Sam's Pond expenses.  Thank you for your gift.

 

How can I deal with losing my baby?

The days, weeks, and even months following a loss can be incredibly difficult and painful.  A few things to keep in mind as you work through this troubled time:

  • Understand that this was out of your control. Pregnancy loss or complications can strike anyone.  
  • Give yourself time to heal. Don't pressure yourself to get past the sadness quickly.
  • Take time off. You need a chance to process what's happened, and taking a break from your regular routine will help you acknowledge and accept all that you're going through.
  • Don't expect your family to grieve in the same way. While women tend to express their feelings and look for support from others, men tend to hold their feelings inside and deal with loss on their own. Likewise, men often feel they need to take care of their family by remaining strong.  Share your feelings and your needs with your family but give each other the freedom to experience the loss in your own way.
  • Get support. Ask your doctor or midwife about pregnancy-loss support groups (like Sam's Pond) in your community. You may also want to seek out a professional counselor to help you grapple with the difficult emotions you're experiencing right now and, ultimately, to come to terms with your grief. 

Reactions of others

Many people avoid a grieving parent. They are afraid of their own uneasiness in dealing with uncomfortable information and emotions. They often unintentionally say things that are unfeeling, or even outright hurtful and cruel. Probably the most common is, "Don't worry, you can have another baby." Another frequently heard comment is, "Well, it's probably for the best…”  While insensitive, these words are given as a clumsy attempt to offer hope and comfort during your grieving process and usually come from people who are well-meaning.

Fathers are Grieving Too

Fathers are neglected grievers. People just aren’t sure how to ask and respond to a man’s feelings. You probably have a lot of thoughts and quite a few emotions right now.  That is normal. It is normal to feel angry, depressed, lonely, disappointed confused, hurt said, hopeless, out of control, empty, guilty, like a failure, even be asking yourself “why”?  This can be the toughest times in your life; you may feel like you’re taking care of everyone else but it's also important to take care of yourself and the hurt you’re feeling!

Men and women grieve very differently.  While women are given the permission to cry and talk, men have the permission to be angry.  Being angry is natural but direction of your anger may not be.  When you are angry for a long time or more often than you want, or  begin lashing out to family and friends or even strangers it time to get help.  Remember, talking may lighten your pain, and clear your anger and affirm your feelings.  Find another father that has lost a child; take to your pastor or social worker or just a friend who can see things clearly can be helpful.  

While going back to work is what you must do, remember to not work to forget your feelings.  While it can be a distraction it is seldom a solution to sadness.  You can become very frustrated by staring into space when you should be working, making mistakes, and short on patience.

A lot of people believe that a death of a child can bring a couple closer; actually the opposite is truer.   You must always remember that grief is an individual journey and you will each grieve differently. You must give each other the permission to grieve in your own way.  During this time remember why you fell in love, and remind each other what you like about the other.  Continue to court/date, talk about things that can bring you closer.  It is very important to touch and hold each other.  Sometimes just a long hug can say so much.  For both mother and father remember that your first sexual sharing after the death as a warm, gentle caring that brings you closer to each other.  Affirm your tears and let it quiet your sadness and again respect each others feelings.

Sam’s Pond has fathers who are willing to speak to other fathers if they need an understanding ear.  Sometimes just one meeting is all you need.  It will make a big difference in your understand of your grief to know others have similar feelings as you.

If you cannot attend a meeting, please check out our resource page for links to help sites for fathers.  There are also list of books to assist with your grief.

Most importantly, remember you are NOT alone.  You are not forgotten, and we know you lost a child too.